DON'T FOCUS ON WHAT'S GONE, FOCUS ON WHAT REMAINS

When he left my heart was torn. This was the first guy I ever felt was true to me. I didn't even see it coming. He walked out the door with my heart. I put my trust in this person. I didn't know what to do. I cried around the clock. I felt like I couldn't take anymore pain. I started having palpitations and had to make a visit to the ER. How could this man do this to me. We've gone through everything together. I thought I had found that person that I could depend on to be there when everyone else is gone. I allowed him in my sons life. To wake up each day and not see him lying next to me was so weird. I sat by the phone waiting for him to call. I just wanted to hear his voice. I went to his job to take him balloons and sung his favorite song to him. I pleaded with him to come back home. One night I went to his job because I hadn't heard from him. I asked him to just talk to me for a minute. He looked me eye to eye and said those dreaded words, "I don't want you". He might as well stabbed me that night. I wanted to die. You can't make somebody want you. I cried all the way home asking God to comfort me and to save me from me.

During this time I made a point to only talk to certain people. I had to silence any voices that weren't saying or believing what I was believing to happen. I determined in my heart that my marriage wasn't over. Everytime someone asked me about my situation I responded by saying, "everything will be fine, its Gods will for my marriage to prosper." Everybody has an opinion but I decided not to listen to anyone that wasn't speaking in line with what Gods word was saying about my marriage. There were two people that I love to hear pray. I believed they could get a prayer through. There were days when I wanted to give up on prayer, God, my family, myself and my marraige. When I felt like I didn't want to pray I ran to the phone and called my two friends. I needed to hear a word sooo bad that I would hold the phone so close to my ear. Satan was trying to speak louder than them so I held it close to silence any other voices. Voices of doubt, voices of defeat, voices of fear, and the voice of blame was trying to set in.

My son didn't know what to do with me. I was a mess. I just wanted to lay there and cry and stare at the wall. I was losing it. I have never liked being alone. I didn't want to work, or comb my hair. I didn't want to go back to the church that we attended together as a family. I was embarrased. I didn't have a car and now I needed to find a full time job. I needed to snap out of this to have some normalcy for Brandon. I couldn't continue to let him see me like this. One day I decided that I needed to do something different. I said a prayer so heartfelt, so sincere, with so much fervor, so powerful. I will never forget it. In some points of the prayer I was screaming to the top of my voice, "GOD WHERE ARE YOU I NEED YOU". I was so honest with God. I told him I was afraid of being alone. I told him that I was afraid of having to raise Brandon by myself. I asked God to do a work on me. Do a work on me Lord. Make me a better person. Make me a good wife, friend, business partner and mother. Initially I thought my prayer was going to be for Him to work on my spouse. I heard my father say to me to not focus on what was gone but what remained. Oh Lord, I remember it so clearly. "Cara don't focus on whats gone, leave that up to me, focus on what remains." That one decision to cry out to God for myself yielded this result that changed my perspective on my situation.

God is so good and faithful. He assured me that I was not alone and that He heard my every word and seen every tear. He asked me to do an assessment of myself and then come back to Him with those things that needed correcting. I prayed a prayer before bed asking God to show me ME. I woke up in tears because I saw me in my dreams. Be careful what you ask for.

After this day I was ready to get on with taking care my son, and my responsibilities. God assured me that my husband would be back. I regained my strength. I wasn't afraid to be alone in the house anymore. I stop having thought of being a single parent again. I saw a picture of my family thriving. Soon afterwards, my husband wanted to be back home with his family and agreed to family counseling. When he came back I was a different person, I was ready for him. I also put together a financial plan to never be caught in this situation again. He came home to a mentally stronger but more loving Cara.

To my friends: If you are going through a similar hard time of any kind it may be Gods way of getting you to "Reinvent Yourself", don't focus on what's gone but rather focus on what remains. I truly believe that what you focus grows good or bad.