"You Told Harpo To Beat Me"

Its amazing where I get my inspirations to write, just simply crazy. I was thinking about the movie Color Purple when Celie told Sophia's husband to beat her. Harpo was complaining to Celie that he did't know what to do with Sophia and out of nowhere Celie said "beat her". Later Sophia came to Celie and said, "You told Harpo to beat me. I had to fight my daddy and I never thought I'd have to fight my own husband, but I'll kill him dead". Everybody remember that scene and it has been part of many jokes. But how often does that happen? The parent or friend may not actually say the words "beat her" but in many instances they don't say anything. I remember calling my ex mother to tell her how her son was treating me, he got on the phone with her and I am not sure what she said but it must've been really funny because he was full of laughs.

I remember as a kid my brothers were at dating age. If my brothers girlfriends had problems with my brothers and they told my mom she would snap on my brothers. She demanded that my brothers respect the women they dated. My brothers girlfriends loved my mother because she didn't just take her sons side. My mom cared about their girlfriends and she now love their wives.

I heard one mom say to her son, "if you hit her in her mouth one good time she'll shutup." I didn't know what to think. My mom would never be a cheerleader for my brothers abusive behavior and I will never condone that type of behavior in my son.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VIRGINS

Every woman or man that stumble across this blog have not been victims of domestic violence. I was lying in the bed thinking about that when instantly I started thinking about the game of baseball. Don't ask me why. I don't have a clue. My focus is to converse with those who have been and who currently are victims of this heinous crime. While lying in bed this morning I thought about the domestic violence virgins, what would I say to them? I came up with this: ONE STRIKE YOU'RE OUT! Your relationship is not a game of baseball where you get chance after chance to get the opportunity to knock the daylight out the ball. First strike, you're outta here son.

Oprah said recently in her response to the Rhianna and Chris Brown situation she said "If he hit you once, he will hit you again". I so believe that statement. Once you accept the first lick I think your mate lose something for you. I am not sure what that is. Maybe a level of respect is lost, or now you're seen as weak to him when he originally thought he met a strong woman. Once he hit you and you allow him to stick around for the second in his mind he got you, he can do anything. Domestic Violence Virgins go out today and purchase a t-shirt that says "BRO, ONE STRIKE YOU'RE OUT"!

STOP HITTIN ME

The Old Me is Dead and Gone

Living in peace is an ultimate goal. Who wants to continue living in an abusive relationship? Who wants to continuously be told they are nothing? Who wants to be controlled by another human being? Who wants to be scared of their mate? Who wants to cry everyday asking God to free them from a bad relationship? What grown woman want to be treated like a child and whipped like a child who just said bad words and disrespected their parents? Who wants a mate that take control of the finances and spend it the way he see fit then lie about it? Who wants a mate that cheat constantly but you better not do the same or else? The same offensive words you hear on the street you hear in your own home. Who wants to get beat up and then made to have sex with their mate.

The bible says, "If any man is in Christ he is a new creature, old things are passed away, behold all things are become new."

I am a new creature because I am in Christ and because I am in Christ I understand who I am and whose I am. I know my worth. I don't have to put up with anyone that can't, don't or won't love me like Christ love the church. I can be by myself knowing that I will not be alone. I understand that if I allow God to send me a mate I will not go wrong. Christ died for me so I can have life and life more abundantly not a life of depression and constant pain. I don't have to stay in situations that are not in line with Gods will for my life. The old me is dead and gone therefore I will not accept anything that is in opposition of Gods word for my life. YOU don't have to stay!

SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY

Its hard to make progress in any area of your life if the people in your own home is working against you. I have seen a few awesome relationships that really came across to me as a team working together as one to accomplish something. I have always admired these relationships from a distance. I was on the outside looking in but what I saw I liked and wanted the same. In my search for a mate I never asked the really important question, is this person someone that could help me fulfill my dreams and goals? Everytime I start to work on a project that was dear to my heart my mate would react so strangely. It is a shame that I was afraid to dream out loud in my own home. Instead of him looking at my business ideas as a way to take our family to another level it made him jealous and angry. I was sleeping with the enemy.

The verbal abuse was terrible. To live in a house where the person that you sleep with every night tell you that you are nothing and will never be nothing was a nightmare. Then he wanted me to go to bed at the same time he was in bed to keep me from working on my projects. Why did he want to cuddle with a nothing? How many nights did I go to sleep crying while he held me close to him. I couldn't even go to the restroom without him asking where I am going. No matter what I tried to do to better myself he would sabotage it in some kind of way. He was so controlling. I didn't even think of this as a form of domestic abuse.

I often wondered if the marriages that I admired from a distance were going through the same thing. Its a legitimate question because I paraded around my family and friends like nothing was wrong. As a matter of fact if they read my articles it would shock them to a certain degree. Even as I sit in church sometimes I look around and wonder how many of the women there are miserable in their relationship because of domestic violence and not saying anything about it to anyone. Soaking in God's word and then asking him over and over Lord Lord is this man the one for me if not show me, even though he has answered that prayer over and over again.

I was sleeping with the Enemy! YOU don't have to stay

CLICK HERE TO WATCH "BEHIND CLOSED DOORS"

WHY NOT ME?

I know I've done a lot of things in my past that most people wouldn't be able to deal with. That was a long time ago. I've changed a whole bunch. God is pleased with this work that He started. I went through a lot. I take full responsiblity for my actions. I could have gone a different route but I didn't. Are you going to make me pay for those decisions forever. You say you're proud of me but your actions don't necessarily show it. You prayed to God for me to change and your prayers were answered but for some reason or another you still don't believe in me. Why can't you see just a glimpse of what God see in me.

I shared many of my dreams with you because I respect you and you shot them down so quickly. Nothing I ever come up with makes sense to you. I have supported every idea, dream and vision that you put your hands to. Your goals are posted on my personal prayer list. I have been one of your biggest cheerleaders. I believe in you, you and you. WHY NOT ME, WHATS WRONG WITH ME?

I came to you with so much excitement when I couldn't keep my secret in anymore. I told you God has called me to minister. You told me to give it a year to make sure. I had been battling with this for a couple of years already and didn't know what to do with it. I thought it was a fake dream because I've been called a lot of things and to a lot of places but never anything in this magnitude, never a calling this strong. By me not being in my word like I should and believing in myself, I allowed your response to make me doubt if it was really a vision from God or just another one of my brilliant ideas. After talking to you I cried and cried. WHY NOT ME?

I told you about a business idea I had. It was huge and different in my thinking. I saw myself as a Virtual Personal Assistant to new pastors. After all I had been doing this type of work from home helping two pastors that I know have new ministries. I came to you with the idea because I respect your business mind. You told me that you didn't think it was something that could work because pastors want a more personal touch. Two years later I open up a magazine and a young successful virtual personal assistant was being featured. So many years of abuse and being told I was crazy and would never be anything, I needed that nod of approval from you at least this once because I admire and trust you. I came to your house with an awesome idea but I left your house with doubt and tears. I cried and cried. WHY NOT ME? WHATS WRONG WITH ME?

After years of beating the pavement trying to figure out WHY NOT ME, I made a huge discovery. WHY NOT ME? Yeah, why not me? God has brought me a long way. I'm smart, have a great heart, love the word, hardworker, a visionary, a dreamer, a person after Gods own heart, a go getter, a giver, a fighter, I love hard, a person of great faith, a survivor, I understand who I am and whose I am, and I clearly understand that its not over til I win. WHY NOT ME? If you can do it certainly I can too as long as I stay in my lane and do what God has called me to do. You don't have to believe in my dreams. If God gave it to me He'll help me through it. I am an EXCEPTIONAL Woman. Thank you for saving me Lord.

Let the church say AMEN, AMEN Again

Todays topic is "Get Your Inheritance". Ahhhh if you remember last weeks message we touched on "How to get your Breakthrough", and next week we're starting a series about "Building Blocks of Success". At no time soon will we discuss Domestic Violence nor HIV AIDS. We are going to keep our focus on our building fund and make sure we pack the house for Friends and Family Day. See the banner on the wall, Each One Reach One. All this month I will be fussing about you all not being consistent in your attendance and in tithing. Sister Jenkins I need you to do a ministry check and make sure we have relevant ministries that will suggest that we are building a healthy church. I know we have the mens ministry, dance ministry, SALT, women on the move for Christ, the childrens ministry, and the ministry that helps support the first family. Okay great that'll do it, we have everything in place. Are there any comments, questions, or suggestions?

Passor, in all my 20 years of going to chuch every chuch have the same ole ministries that just keep erybody busy. The womens ministry meet so Ms. Abegail can get her preach on but never is there intimate conversation addressing Domestic Violence, Obesity nor AIDS. None of the churches in this community have taken a stand and made these topics a priority and our folks are perishing. Everybody wanna be Mega but you don't take on Mega issues. Sister Joanne husband been beating her for the longest and then he come up in here deaconing. They say the church spose to be like the hospital. I don't mean to take up all the meeting time but I would jus like to see and hear real issues being addressed that meet people where they are. Most of the choir gettin beat either physically, verbally or mentally and skeered to talk about it for fear of being judged. Where is the HIV awareness and education ministry? How about a health ministry that address heart disease, obesity and the like? Or how about a ministry that celebrate women that are domestic violence survivors then teach them to help women in the same situation. Um leavin, um jus done. Every friends and family day everybody run and get their folks from other churches ain't nobody ministering to dem folks at the strip clubs. Do we have any other tools in place in this church for when those fast tail girls come besides a sheet to cover their legs? Um late for work.

Could be your sister, daughter, cousin, niece or friend

I had a bad dream today as I was taking a nap. I saw a group of boys and a couple of girls in a backyard. They were all circled up. I saw some of the boys laughing. I could barely see what was happening. I saw a girl in the middle as she was being backed up against the house by the crowd. She had a scared look on her face. The boys were touching on her and forcing themselves on her. She couldn't escape. I wanted to get out of this dream but it was difficult. I was trying to scream for them to stop but they didn't hear me. They raped her, several of them. Not all of them, some just watched and laughed even the other female that was there. I woke up in a panic and with a bad headache. The scream that only I could hear woke me up. I can't believe they did this to her. She didn't deserve that. I am sitting in here in tears and hoping that this is really just a dream and didn't really happen. It felt real. I knew that girls face. I truly believe that when she left home that day to hang with "friends", she didn't know her life would be changed forever.

Fellas, that girl was somebody's sister. She was a child's mother. A womans daughter. Before you touch another woman the wrong way take a moment and see your moma being handled in this way. Your baby sister whom you love with all your heart, try seeing her being put in a disrespectful position. Keep your filthy hands off that mans daughter. He adores his child. Imagine your little girl being raped, called names, being abused by the hands of another man. You would want to kill him.
And was it funny? They laughed as they took turns on her. I woke up angry and crying and screaming what could have been this girls name.

Although I pray this was just a dream and didn't happen to anyone I know, this very act happens all the time to somebodys daughter. Some of them give it up and some are forced. Either way they need to be assured that they are loved and worthy of respect. Hug your daughter today, tell her daily that you love her. Turn off the tv tonight and just talk. Take a day off from work and just be with her. Tell her she is beautiful and precious. Listen to her without making facial expressions. Show her scriptures in the bible that describes the qualities of an exceptional woman. Show her affection and love. Assure her that she is the apple of your eye. If you don't she will seek it elsewhere. Ask me how I know.

One last thing, in my dream I heard the boys that didn't touch the girl whispering to each other that one of the boys raping the girl had hiv/aids. Somebodys daughter, sister, mom, cousin, aunt, friend, and church member brought home a deadly disease and died because somebody's boy didn't understand his worth. Now somebody's sister at home trying to take a nap instead having bad dreams, screaming and crying in her sleep. To the boys and girl that were there, you grin you in. Sin is allowed to triumph when good folks do nothing. You are guilty by association.

DON'T FOCUS ON WHAT'S GONE, FOCUS ON WHAT REMAINS

When he left my heart was torn. This was the first guy I ever felt was true to me. I didn't even see it coming. He walked out the door with my heart. I put my trust in this person. I didn't know what to do. I cried around the clock. I felt like I couldn't take anymore pain. I started having palpitations and had to make a visit to the ER. How could this man do this to me. We've gone through everything together. I thought I had found that person that I could depend on to be there when everyone else is gone. I allowed him in my sons life. To wake up each day and not see him lying next to me was so weird. I sat by the phone waiting for him to call. I just wanted to hear his voice. I went to his job to take him balloons and sung his favorite song to him. I pleaded with him to come back home. One night I went to his job because I hadn't heard from him. I asked him to just talk to me for a minute. He looked me eye to eye and said those dreaded words, "I don't want you". He might as well stabbed me that night. I wanted to die. You can't make somebody want you. I cried all the way home asking God to comfort me and to save me from me.

During this time I made a point to only talk to certain people. I had to silence any voices that weren't saying or believing what I was believing to happen. I determined in my heart that my marriage wasn't over. Everytime someone asked me about my situation I responded by saying, "everything will be fine, its Gods will for my marriage to prosper." Everybody has an opinion but I decided not to listen to anyone that wasn't speaking in line with what Gods word was saying about my marriage. There were two people that I love to hear pray. I believed they could get a prayer through. There were days when I wanted to give up on prayer, God, my family, myself and my marraige. When I felt like I didn't want to pray I ran to the phone and called my two friends. I needed to hear a word sooo bad that I would hold the phone so close to my ear. Satan was trying to speak louder than them so I held it close to silence any other voices. Voices of doubt, voices of defeat, voices of fear, and the voice of blame was trying to set in.

My son didn't know what to do with me. I was a mess. I just wanted to lay there and cry and stare at the wall. I was losing it. I have never liked being alone. I didn't want to work, or comb my hair. I didn't want to go back to the church that we attended together as a family. I was embarrased. I didn't have a car and now I needed to find a full time job. I needed to snap out of this to have some normalcy for Brandon. I couldn't continue to let him see me like this. One day I decided that I needed to do something different. I said a prayer so heartfelt, so sincere, with so much fervor, so powerful. I will never forget it. In some points of the prayer I was screaming to the top of my voice, "GOD WHERE ARE YOU I NEED YOU". I was so honest with God. I told him I was afraid of being alone. I told him that I was afraid of having to raise Brandon by myself. I asked God to do a work on me. Do a work on me Lord. Make me a better person. Make me a good wife, friend, business partner and mother. Initially I thought my prayer was going to be for Him to work on my spouse. I heard my father say to me to not focus on what was gone but what remained. Oh Lord, I remember it so clearly. "Cara don't focus on whats gone, leave that up to me, focus on what remains." That one decision to cry out to God for myself yielded this result that changed my perspective on my situation.

God is so good and faithful. He assured me that I was not alone and that He heard my every word and seen every tear. He asked me to do an assessment of myself and then come back to Him with those things that needed correcting. I prayed a prayer before bed asking God to show me ME. I woke up in tears because I saw me in my dreams. Be careful what you ask for.

After this day I was ready to get on with taking care my son, and my responsibilities. God assured me that my husband would be back. I regained my strength. I wasn't afraid to be alone in the house anymore. I stop having thought of being a single parent again. I saw a picture of my family thriving. Soon afterwards, my husband wanted to be back home with his family and agreed to family counseling. When he came back I was a different person, I was ready for him. I also put together a financial plan to never be caught in this situation again. He came home to a mentally stronger but more loving Cara.

To my friends: If you are going through a similar hard time of any kind it may be Gods way of getting you to "Reinvent Yourself", don't focus on what's gone but rather focus on what remains. I truly believe that what you focus grows good or bad.

"He Tried to Tear Me Down, But I'm still Standing"

Listen Yvonne, look at me when I talk to you. This is from my heart because I love you. Do not allow that man to continue to hit on you, you don't deserve it. I know he don't do it all time. One time is too many. If he truly love you then he wouldn't treat you that way. I have walked in your shoes. I thought my ex hitting on me meant he loved me. I rationalized in my mind that maybe if I cooked more often and kept the house cleaner that he would treat me better. Girl one day he got mad at me for being on the phone too long. He told me that he didn't want anyone else to have me. I thought "wow, I've always wanted someone to want and love me like this". He took off his belt and whipped me with it, like I was his child. I bald up in the fetal position and just cried and cried. I begged him to stop. Afterwards he started crying. He said "I just love you so much, I don't wanna lose you". Then he commenced to have sex with me. I held on to him for dear life because in my own mind for him to start crying meant he must really care about me and didn't really mean to hurt me, it was a showing of his crazy love for me. I really didn't want to be alone either. I have all these bills to pay and would have to do it all by myself. "Its not that bad", I thought. "I'm a strong woman, I can handle it, he'll change or else".

Yvonne, on the days he wasn't hitting me he talked down to me and said the harshest things to me and to my baby boy. He told my son that he will never be shit just like his moma. Girl that hurt to the core. What did my precious 6 year old ever do to him? One day when I tried to leave, he held me and my baby hostage at gun point. He held us so long that he fell asleep. I opened the window quietly and jumped out. I ran to a neighbors house and called the police. Of course he called and apologized and I accepted him back. He use to bite me in my face and leave his marks. I gave him chance after chance in hopes that this would end, but it never did.

Yvonne, you are better than what you're going through. You deserve better. I understand what you mean when you say when he is not being the bad guy he can be so loving and fun to be around. I know you remember the first 5 months of the relationship when everything was everything and you want it to be like those days. Yvonne you didn't turn him into this abusive guy, he was like that before you. Yvonne this is your first time in this situation get out now. I have been in quite a few like this and sometimes worse than this. When I finally met a man that truly cared about me I thought he didn't love me if he didn't come across as jealous or possessive. I almost lost a good man trying to hang around to see if the old one would change. He didn't. I could tell you many stories but for right now lets just focus on your healing process. Are u ready? It was hard for me but I did it.

VICTIM OF IDENTITY THEFT

It happened before I knew it. She stole my face, my voice, my integrity, my good name. She embarassed me and my family. She also tried to have my son taken from me. She stole 9 years of my life. She took over my life. I met her one day and she shared her plan with me for utilizing me. She assured me that her tasks wouldn't take long. She convinced me that her strategies would acutally strengthen my capacity to raise my son. I couldn't believe that I welcomed, housed, and trusted a deceiver. She led me to believe that she was in my life to save me from poverty. That really caught my attention. She wanted to hang around the clock but I made a deal with her. I didn't want her around my son so I asked her to only show up after midnight and she agreed.

You may ask me why did I trust someone that stole my life? She was that woman I wanted to be. She came across as smart, hardworking, bold, strong minded, respected, fun, attractive, and energized. She always attracted attention. Men loved her. When she spoke people listened. She didn't take no crap. She was mission driven, and she didn't accept no for an answer. She was a make it happen person. She was creative and was respected in the business community. She was sexy and was not shy about it. Her name was Brandy. She told me that she was using that name in honor of my son Brandon, because everything she was supposedly doing for me was all about him and his future. She tapped into my heart on that one. Brandy was my altered ego and she was on a mission.

I let her in because I needed help. My sons father wasn't helping us financially. I was about to lose my apartment. The refrigerator was empty and my son was hungry. The guy I was dating was balling at the time and was paying the rent but he decided to move on. I needed and wanted help.

Brandys next moves affected the rest of my life. I would never be the same.

"I just wanna be loved"

Day after day women show up on the Maury show to either test possible baby daddies or to give cheating mates a lie detectors test. Women storm off the stage crying and screaming if the results are not in their favor. Today a young lady age 42 brought her boyfriend age 22 to the show to see if he has been cheating on her. She brought him on the show before and found that he was not faithful but she gave him another chance. Once again it was found that he has cheated over 50 times. The lady started to cry uncontrollably. Afterwards she looked directly into the camera and said "I am taking applications if you want to get with me, all applications accepted I don't care, I am available", her next statement moved me. She said "I just wanna be loved".

As soon as this lady said the words "I just wanna be loved", a picture of my past came cross my remembrance. I remember lying on my bed crying out to God asking Him to save me from the life I was living. I was screaming to the top of my voice "Lord I just wanna be loved, why don't anyone want to help me and my baby". At this particular time in my life I had never felt like I was significant to any one person. One of the reasons I was so happy to give birth to my son is because I wanted someone to call my own. I wanted to be important to someone. I was so desperate to be significant or the focal point in at least one persons life. I could not wait til my son was able to talk so I can hear him say I love you moma. I think he said those words before he could say ma ma or da da because I pounded what I wanted and needed to hear in his ear.

I was not a daddys girl. As a matter of fact my oldest sister was labeled my dads ace in the hole, lol. He didn't show favoritism but I can't explain what it was. He was in the household but in his own world. As kids we would always ask my mom who was her favorite and have joked about who is her favorite in our adult years. I don't think there is any question as to who that is now. There was 6 of us and I am the youngest. My mom spent a lot of time with us but for one reason or another I never felt like I could be in the top 5 of her favorites. Once I was old enough to somewhat hang with my brothers and make them my best buddies they each left home, later got married and soon had kids. My sister Sharon married and started having kids before I was old enough to hang out with her and make her my best friend.

I don't ever remember having a best friend where the feeling was mutual. I don't think I have ever heard one female say that I was her best friend. I had lots of one sided friendships. I have never been in a relationship where I was the only woman or even the main woman til I started dating my now husband. I have always been in search of that one person who would take an interest in me, sort of like a mentor. I just wanted to be special to someone, significant to anyone, and a blessing to everyone. Just like the lady on Maury, I put myself on the market, all applications accepted I don't care, I'm available. I just wanted to be loved.

DON'T TAKE THAT CLASS, RISE ABOVE

Your dreams are not in jeopardy. This is YOUR opportunity to utilize your creative skills. Whats missing? Whats lacking? What can be done better? What does the future hold? You know there is big talk about going green and money being invested in green technology. President Obama gave us a clue, Healthcare, Energy, and Teaching. This is a great time to enhance the skills and knowledge that you already possess. Listen to our President closely when he speak about where money is being invested for future projects and start brainstorming how you can take advange of it. I'm just saying don't get so caught up in the gloom and doom conversations. We are a blessed and favored people.

I read a statistic that said that men have lost 80% of jobs that has been cut. As a result, women are becoming the bread winners in many households. That very same thing happened in my house. The roles reversed. My husband has been cooking, cleaning, and doing all the things that I normally do and I have been working around the clock. We came to a conclusion that this was God's way of making us not take the others responsibilities lightly. We have walked in the others shoes so we can gain a greater appreciation for each other. As we received this revelation and embraced the purpose behind it we began to slowly get back in our original role, things are starting to happen, job opportunities are now flowing my husbands way.

One thing we have learned is that difficulty is not meant to destroy convenant and believe me when a family is struggling financially that can be a really trying time. This is a time to pull together and come up with a plan and proclaim that as for me and my house we will rise above.

This is a great market for community organizing, building non profit organizations, becoming social entrepreneurs for a greater cause. If you are interesting in starting your own business but can't afford it at this time, start with network marketing. Starting a homebased business could even help save money for your household. Opportunities are out there.

Choose to trust God in every situation and keep moving forward.